Space For Doubt

There is a room at the University of Nebraska – Lincoln, called an anechoic (Anechoic means “without echo”) chamber. As a student, I had the opportunity to experience what being in this room was like.

I was led into the room by the research grad in charge there. He explained to me how this room absorbs all sound waves. He said I should try yelling and talking loudly, to focus on experiencing the feeling of how that sounds to my ears once the door was fully shut. He then left and closed the door.

Instantly I could feel the most powerful nothing I have ever felt. I could hear the blood flowing through my head (something that is seriously creepy BTW). I yelled at the top of my lungs and could barely perceive any noise at all. It felt as if my voice was being pulled out of my mouth and erased from existence.

The silence…was deafening.

At most crossroads in my life, God has chosen not to speak. At times, the silence has been deafening. In fact, there have only been two occurrences in my life where I have felt like God has directly spoken to me. Once at the age of 16, and once a mere month ago. (I’ll get to that one in another post. It changed me.)

We have examples in the bible where people cry out to God and they enter a dialogue, having the chance to pour out their hearts and actually hear a reply in return. Job comes to mind first, but there are others.

So what do we do? What do we do when we seek critical answers, but the one person we want to consult with, who according to our faith is the single most important, remains quiet?

This was a struggle for me this year in particular. (It still is) My deconstruction has led me far enough down the road where I am asking really hard questions of God. He remains steadfastly silent on answers to any of them.

What I have found interesting though, is that despite the silence directly from Him, I have found some answers. They certainly are not to the agreement of the traditional interpretations or the church’s stances. They are however, answers I can accept, live with, and still hold, all while continuing to embrace a loving God. They are answers that fit with what my eyes see and my mind understands. They are answers that fit with God’s first book, creation.

Perhaps that’s how He’s choosing to speak at times. Not directly, but through personal growth. Growth and maturity in how we view the bible. In how we view Him.

Sometimes this is what plays out in my head.

• God: I see you’re finding some answers that make sense. Well done!
• Me: Well, yes, but your bible doesn’t really match up at all with…
• God: I know.
• Me: You…what?
• God: I know! I gave your ancestors some insights and had some wonderful relationships with a number of them. But you humans are a really stubborn bunch. I kept trying to tell you things and whenever you’d write them down you’d f*** it all up with exaggeration, propaganda, your desires, etc. It’s a bit of a mess you’ve got there with that Bible.
• Me: But sometimes what I read is so different from what I see in the real world!
• God: *chuckling* The people back then also had no idea where the sun went at night, so I had to be pretty basic with some of the things I told them. Science wasn’t their strong suit.
• Me:…..
• God: *firmly* Let me now ask you…Was I supposed to give them all knowledge at once? Or was I right in letting humanity marvel at the discoveries they made in my creation over time? Was I right in creating something so beautifully complex that it would take thousands of years for you to get to this point of understanding, and even still, you remain clueless at most of it?
• Me: But, couldn’t you just make them write something more accurate?
• God: Have I forced you to make any of the choices you’ve made?
• Me: Well…no.
• God: I let my creation make their own choices, with very few exceptions and inputs. I understand their flaws and I have space and grace for their doubts and their failures. Perhaps you should take a look around you, at creation itself, for answers. That one I managed to do all on my own. None of you were around yet to bugger that one up *laughs*

At major cross roads in life, God may choose to answer us in a way that is not direct. It is natural to want to consult the God that holds the world in His hands, but we cannot speak for His intentions in His seeming silence.

If He doesn’t speak, perhaps this is your cue to use other resources He has bestowed on us. We have more accumulated knowledge now than ever before. The counsel of friends/family/coworkers is easier to obtain now via remote communication than ever before. Our intuition (aka your gut) is still present, ready and willing to help if we’d just listen to it. All of these tools made possible by a God who wants us to use them for our benefit.

I have friends who have put off making important decisions to an unreasonable degree, as they were waiting on God’s direct input. That unduly puts pressure on Him. If God has chosen to answer in another way, and you wait like this only to be “ghosted,” it will most likely be interpreted as He did NOT speak. He did NOT care. I’m not saying that can’t be true. God can do and feel what He wants. I’m just saying that having that outcome as the default puts an unfair label on God. It put’s an undue negative emotion hanging over yourself.

Be free to feel the depths of your lows. Cry out in your pain like Job. Listen in all ways for God to speak, but use the best of your abilities and resources that ARE speaking to find answers. Demand them.

In my case I’ve walked through a lot of low points and have grown immensely in how I view the written word of God and God’s own character. By allowing me the ability to color outside the lines and yet still find myself in awe that this new information fits within the God I believe in, I believe He has answered.

Perhaps in this season, I’m choosing to be the optimist over the pessimist.

Peace