Space For Doubt

Starting a deconstruction journey is absolutely terrifying (for most people). There. We got that out of the way.

Why, you say?

Because! Because accepting that what you have believed for years or decades might not be true is severely consequential! In your relationships, your job (if you work for a church institution), your family, and your community.

To be authentic to yourself, to live whatever values out that may be different at the end of this journey, comes at a cost. You either can live two lives, where one is the current you, and one is the former you, OR, you can live just one life but accept the consequences of the impacts that the outward facing current you will have on every other facet of life. Either the cost is the inner turmoil of always hiding your true self, or the it’s the impact on others. What a great choice right!?!?

Say you are a role model for spiritual faith, or a pastor, or a teacher in a religious school, etc. Your sphere of influence is large and that cost is high.

My cost was very low. That’s a huge reason why it was so much easier for me than others I know. My wife and I started deconstructing around the same time, so that was an additional cost I did not incur. My friends, mostly, couldn’t give a flip about any of that, so again, no cost. I did ironically discover that a friend of mine was also deconstructing, along with some family, and this led to deepened relationships. I may be one of the rare examples of a net gain.

I liken the analogy of the journey to the following:
A flood is coming. The waters rise slowly, but rise nonetheless. You can brace yourself and attempt to stay stationary and anchored in your current position. For a time, you may even be able to do so. As the waters rise, the pressure to move will become greater and greater. If you don’t cut loose your anchor, you will eventually drown in the rising water.

If there is any solace for you in this time, let it be this. This isn’t a journey one just chooses to go on.

No one wakes up one day and says “Today is the day I will begin a quest to abandon my beliefs”. I can’t think of one person I’ve met or heard of where this was the case. Sometimes, and I’m firmly convinced of this….what we believe is not within our control (more on this later). Therefore, when we hit some impediment to the status quo that makes us stop and ask the hard questions, we aren’t doing it by choice. We’re doing it because honestly, we have to.

You’ll never be at inner peace unless you see where this road leads. You may find that this journey offers little in the way of answers. Most people just find more questions. I can say with certainty you WILL find there are plenty of things that you do NOT believe anymore along the way. That is sometimes just as helpful as finding out what you DO believe.

I’ve been on this journey for four and a half years. My questions are more numerous now than when I started. I’ve found a few answers I can accept. But mostly? Just more questions.

I’ve just made my peace with knowing some of those will likely never have answers.

Peace.